Blar...

(I stole the title of this post from my fellow fitness blogger Sarah, because it totally captures how I feel right now. Thanks, Sarah!)

I did not work out this morning, and slept later than I should. I ate entirely too many cranberry-walnut-oatmeal cookies yesterday and today (totally voiding the two intense workouts I did Saturday and Sunday). I drank way more Diet Coke this afternoon than I should have. I'm retaining more water than the Hoover Dam right now, so the scale yesterday showed I'm back up to the weight I was three weeks ago. My feet are swollen (see Hoover Dam reference above), so even though these sandals looked totally cute when I bought them a month ago, today I think they look like my 83-year-old grandmother is wearing them instead of a fun, stylish 32-year-old. Since I slept too late, I had to do the wet-hair-into-a-scraggly-ponytail style today.

Consequently, I feel shaky-weak-tired-bloated-hungry-nauseated-frustrated-ugly-blar.

BLAR.

BLAR.

And as I say it out loud (with feeling!) while I'm writing, then I make myself laugh. And I get up tomorrow and start over again.

Blar.

Hee hee.

Dear Level 2 of the "30 Day Shred"...

Dear Level 2 of the "30 Day Shred",

This is a difficult letter for me to write, but there are some things that need to be said. I know our relationship is still in the early stages, but in the spirit of truth I need to tell you some things.

First, it is totally not fair of you to be such a dramatic departure from your little brother Level 1. I was rocking Level 1, and feeling all smug and strong that I could do "real" push-ups, and then you had to go throw things like "plank jacks" at me and make me feel like a big ol' wimp. When I'm crawling out of bed at 6:15 to meet you, I would appreciate you not shaming me by forcing me to wheeze like an asthmatic horse in the middle of the workout.

Second, WHAT is up with all the "plank position" exercises? Do you not KNOW how whacked out my center of gravity is? I was given these giant thighs for a reason - let me use them to support myself! My wimpy arms cannot do it! They are screaming for mercy by the middle of the second set!

Finally, and this is the most painful part, but I have to say that YOU BETTER WORK AND WORK SOON. Otherwise, we are totally breaking up. And no, it's not me - it's you. It can't possibly be me and my abysmal level of fitness and the fact that I've overslept the past two days and this morning was my first workout since Monday. It has to be you. IT HAS TO BE.

Feeling especially shouty,
Ivy

The Mama Elephants

So, given that I felt like I was breezing through the level 1 workouts on the "30 Day Shred", I thought Saturday would be a great day to move up to level 2.

Riiiiiiiiiight.

Level 2 is a whole different world than level 1. Level 1 was kind of on par with the moves I was used to from Farrell's, and I think I did OK. Level 2 is VERY different, starting with the very first strength move - a little something Jillian calls "walking push-ups". I have renamed them the "Mama Elephant" since I imagine that's what I look like when I do them.

Here's the run-down:

• From a standing position, bend down to touch your toes.
• Walk your hands out in front of you until you are in a push-up position.
• Drop down into a push-up.
• Push back up into the upright push-up position.
• Walk your hands back to your toes before standing upright again.
• Repeat 10 times.
• Pause briefly on rep 6 to think about what a lumbering idiot you must look like.
• After rep 10, fall onto squishy pink yoga mat and wheeze uncontrollably for the 5 seconds Jillian allows you to rest.
• Lumber to your feet and move on to next exercise in the circuit, knowing the walking push-ups/Mama Elephants are coming back in just 2 minutes.

It's super-neat.

Weigh in this week showed another 1.5 pound loss, and - desperate for some positive affirmation - I took my measurements again. Overall, I'm down about an inch, which I guess is OK. I can feel myself falling into the same trap of thinking I had while I was doing Farrell's 10-week program, where I expected to miraculously reach my goals within the 10 weeks of the program. After all, I *got* this fat in 10 weeks, right? So I should be able to get as thin as I want in 10 weeks too, right?

Again, riiiiiiiiight. :)

So, I'll keep plugging away. I noticed last week, when I got up early Wednesday morning to exercise, that Wednesday was by far my most productive day at work. As I've said before, the b*tch about exercise is everything people say about it is true - you have more energy, you sleep better, and you're typically in a better mood. Except when you picture yourself doing walking push-ups.

Maybe...

I was in a meeting this morning with a colleague named Miriam. She is beautiful. I mean, capital "B" beautiful - tall, slender, tons of gorgeous dark hair, classic features - beautiful. Plus, she's intelligent and well-travelled, with a fantastic Biblical name. In the words of Carrie Fisher from When Harry Met Sally: "...your basic nightmare..."

As I was washing my hands in the bathroom after our meeting, I took stock in the mirror as I usually do - bright red hair in a messy up-do (which I like to think is "tousled" and "stylish" rather than "messy"), white skin with visible pores, eye make-up that's holding up pretty well for 11:30 in the morning. I gave myself a shrug, still thinking of the gorgeous Miriam, then heard a voice in my head:

"Maybe she wishes she looked like you."

"Right," I thought. "Like a gorgeous Latina would want to trade places with a snub-nosed German-Irish girl with thighs like Schwarzenegger."

"Maybe she would," the voice countered.

Hmmm. Maybe.

And maybe insecurity doesn't discriminate based on age, weight, ethnicity.

Maybe.

It's a thought.

Recovery

Just when I thought the sinus gunk was gone, it came back with a VENGEANCE Sunday night and wiped me out for most of Monday and Tuesday. If I'd had any sick time at all accumulated at the new job, I would have tried to sleep it off but instead tried to power through with a combo of Tylenol and Mucinex D. I think it may finally have worked (along with frequent uses of the NeilMed Sinus Rinse - wish I got a royalty every time I endorsed them!) and I think I'm doing much better.

Better enough that I crawled out of bed this morning (after hitting snooze multiple times!) and panted through a level 1 workout. Technically, today was 10 days after I started the 30 Day Shred and I should be moving up, but after three days off I didn't think that was a particularly smart idea. All I need now is to get turned off of the program by trying to do too much too fast! Instead, I contented myself with making it all the way through the first set of Big Girl Push-Ups (15 push-ups! I am a MACHINE!) and doing 7 or 8 on the second set before modifying them and dropping to my knees. And it's getting to be much later in the sets of squats and lifts that I feel like my arms are going to burst into flames, so I think it's working. Maybe another day or two on level 1 and I'll try to move up. Saturday, maybe - so I have plenty of time to recover before additional motion is necessary? :)

On another level, I came to something of an epiphany today as I was looking around the group of people in the Bible study I attend Wednesdays at lunch. All the women in there are women I love, and each one is absolutely beautiful in her unique ways. And all of them are about the same height, the same weight, approximately the same body type. I'd classify each of them in their physical attributes as "average". And I, in comparison to these wonderful ladies, am simply "above average". And I think that's kinda cool. :)

Disheartening...

Well, the first great weigh in didn't go as well as I'd hoped. With hopes bouyed by all the stories I'd read on the Interwebs about people who lost 5 pounds the first week on the Shred, I had unreasonably high expectations. So when the scale showed only a 1.5 pound loss, I was bummed. I shouldn't have been, because hey - it's 1.5 pounds! - but I was. I forgot for a moment how my body works - I retain more water than the Hoover Dam with little to no provocation, and have muscles like an Austrian bodybuilder in my legs that puff up anytime I do any sort of lower body exercise (like Jillian's squats of doom). So, while the scale didn't show as much movement as I'd hoped, I still do think progress is being made. After all, during my Farrell's adventure, I only lost about 3 pounds but TONS of inches. But still, when you weigh as much as a Nebraska Cornhuskers lineman, the numbers on the scale still affect you. :(

I took Sunday off, since I had to leave for church at 7:15 yesterday morning and spent the whole morning there on the praise team. While I love being part of that group, it does eat up the whole morning! No workout Sunday, and LOTS of food that I shouldn't have eaten, so I felt pretty gross throughout the day. You'd think I'd learn that when I eat garbage I feel like garbage - perhaps someday that parallel will sink in. No workout this morning either, since the thunderstorms we've had roll through Des Moines nearly EVERY night for the past week woke me up at 4:30 this morning and I overslept after finally falling back to sleep. So I can hit the workout tonight, but need to get it done in the morning the rest of the week. My oh-so-packed social life :) has me out after work every other night this week.

I'm slated to move up to level 2 on Wednesday, which frightens me. All the reviews I've read say level 2 is much worse than level 1. Then again, those reviews said I could lose 5 pounds in the first week too - so I better take them with a grain of salt. :)

Two in a row! Two in a row!

Summer, you will not keep me down! Despite a disgusting level of humidity on Friday night and again this morning, I powered through two Level One workouts last night and this morning. I was absolutely DRIPPING by the end of Friday night's workout, and this morning watched as the torrential rainfall filled up the creek in the pasture outside my window as I panted through another workout. I actually tried full-on push-ups last night (no more of this girly stuff!) and managed to make it through seven or eight of them this morning. Before you scoff, YOU try to do full-on push-ups and tell me how many you can do. :) C'mon, post it in the comments - I want to know who's trying it!

Again, maybe it's wishful thinking, but I think my arms are getting more toned thanks to these workouts. They're still more than flabby, but I feel like there's more definition on my shoulders. Triceps are the bane of every woman's existence, and there are few things better for them than push-ups, so I may add some extra reps in after I finish the DVD. I heard Jillian Michaels say in another DVD that your arms are the one part of your body that is most often naked in front of other people - a prospect I find absolutely TERRIFYING.

Weigh in tomorrow - c'mon, KnitPicks.com sale! :)

Clearing the hurdles

Thanks to the wonders of massive fluid consumption, Zicam and NielMed Sinus Rinse (don’t be grossed out – this stuff really works!) the nasty summer cold that hit me Tuesday seems to be receding. It receded enough that I felt like working out again Thursday night, after skipping Tuesday and Wednesday. I felt so nasty Tuesday and Wednesday that all I could do those nights was curl up on my couch with my knitting and sneeze. So, looks like Mistress Jillian will have to content herself with a 28 Day Shred on this girl. We’ll see what it comes to!

The workout was still pretty tough, especially after being away for two days and still not being able to breathe all that well. The bonus of taking two days off was that by Thursday afternoon I was finally able to walk down a flight of stairs normally, and after last night’s workout I spent another five minutes or so stretching out my quadriceps and this morning there’s nary a whimper from them. My calves are still sore, but that’s more manageable than the quad pain that made it impossible to use any stall in the ladies’ room except the handicap one.

Mistress Jillian of the Sculpted Arms recommends 10 days on Level 1 of the 30 Day Shred, 10 days on Level 2, and so on. But I’m feeling good enough about Level 1 that I may move up sooner. I still have to do girly push-ups from my knees, but I’m thinking tonight I might try at least starting on my toes and dropping down whenever I need to in order to finish the set. I feel like I’m getting a much better workout on my abs, as well, and they’re starting to tell me so today as I type.

I’m hoping to eventually get the workouts done in the mornings, since there are usually a thousand and one things I’d rather do after work than sweat in front of my DVD player, but so far all my workouts have been evening ones. I’d like to get in the morning routine this weekend and keep it up. The one bad thing I’ve noticed (and this happened at Farrell’s as well) is that if I don’t get enough water before a workout I get a screamin’ headache post-exercise. I mentioned this to my mom, who immediately freaked out about high blood pressure and all that. I’m not too concerned about it, but do need to pay more attention to my water consumption. All my reusable bottles, however, are currently in the dishwasher awaiting sterilization. :)

Is it just me, or is my face starting to look thinner already? And I think my jeans were a wee bit easier to zip up this morning too. Could be just wishful thinking, but I hope so. I’ll weigh in again Sunday, since my friend Sarah (hi, Sarah!) and I agreed not to buy any more knitting toys until we’d lost 5 pounds. KnitPicks.com is having a sale, kids – let’s get this in gear.

Whatever motivates you, right?

Can't get derailed...

Forgive me, Mistress Jillian of the Sadistic Squats, but I skipped my workout yesterday. A gross summer cold hit me about 2 p.m. yesterday, causing my head to feel like it was three times its normal size and making me sneeze constantly from 2 p.m. on. That, coupled with a visit from family last night (including my 18-month-old niece Chloe, who I suspect gave me the cold; good thing she's super-cute and is learning to call me "Ih-bee", which saves her from my wrath! :) ), made me skip working out last night. So, it will have to be a 29 Day Shred for me. Think doubling up on a workout (once I'm able to walk normally, that is...) will count?

I can't let this derail me, just when I feel like I'm finally getting my groove on. I'm supposed to be meeting friends for dinner tonight (I've already scoped out the menu, and the vegetarian lasagne there looks AMAZING!) so I'm hoping I'll have time to work out once I get home. I should have done it this morning, but the stinkin' Mucinex D I took at 6 last night kept me awake most of the night. Should have known when I read the reviews on the Web that it would do that - I'm the girl who can't take NyQuil without getting all hepped up and bouncing off the walls. Oh well - onward, my friends! Onward!

Pain

Procrastination wasn’t necessarily my goal with this blog, but I seem to have achieved it quite nicely. I’m now down to 29 days before I leave for London, and according to the scale Sunday morning I am actually two pounds heavier than when I started posting on this blog.

Neat.

HOWEVER – lest you despair, gentle readers – there has been significant progress made in the last three days on Ivy’s quest to get less fat or die trying. First, on the psychological front of this war against fat, I think I’ve finally figured something out.

Many of you who are reading this (I think there are about four of you now – hurrah!) know that I’ve been a follower of Jesus for a dozen years, and I’ve been rather half-heartedly asking for His assistance in this quest. But I never really believed that it would make a difference, or that He’d even want to be a part of this seemingly hopeless undertaking wherein I attempt to get less fat or die trying. :)

Then, last week, I began participating in a group discussion of what is turning out to be a fantastic book – The Good and Beautiful God, by James Bryan Smith.

The focus of the book (as far as I can tell, but we’re only on chapter two) is on finding the false things we’ve been told or that we’ve told ourselves about God, and replacing them with the truths as represented by Jesus in the New Testament. Now, regardless of what you believe about Jesus/God/The Bible, I’m telling you that reading this book and letting the things Jesus says about God and about Himself sink in have profoundly changed something inside of me in the past three days. That's a true a statement as ever I've made. After reading the chapter we were assigned for this week, I spent about an hour on Sunday crying and venting and really digging deep to figure out why I feel the way I feel about myself and my body. What I emerged with was this – I don’t feel compelled to take care of my body, or even care about it at all, because I was convinced no one would ever want it. Being single for 32 years, and not having an end to that situation in sight, will do a number on a girl’s self-image sometimes, and I had let it happen to me. But thanks to the words I read Sunday, and the way God spoke through them, I believe I am done with that way of thinking. Hallelujah. :)

So, after I got through that emotional minefield, I popped in my new copy of Jillian Michaels’ “30 Day Shred” DVD on Sunday afternoon.

Sweet bleedin’ gingerbread.

I cannot walk up the stairs.

I cannot walk down the stairs.

I cannot get up from my chair.

I cannot sit down in my chair.

And let’s not even talk about sitting down to go to the bathroom.

It’s WORKING.

I remember this feeling – it’s like the first week of the Farrell’s eXtreme Bodyshaping experience, only distilled into two screaming quadriceps. When I watched the first circuit of the workout, I didn’t think it looked so bad. They were all moves I had done before, and I was sure I could handle it. Well, I could handle it –during the workout. It’s the morning after that is killing me. And I can’t wait to do it again tonight!

The moves are all combination moves, designed to work the most muscles in the least amount of time. So, while on resistance training days at Farrell’s we would do sets of squats with bands, in Jillian’s World of Pain we do squats with dumbbell raises to work both arms and legs. Then there are side lunges with raises. And more squats. Then some jumping jacks. Then more squats. Then some pushups. Then more squats. Then punches done while (you guessed it) doing squats. I’m typing the word “squats” so often that the word is beginning to stop making sense.

It’s AWESOME.

I’ve made it through two workouts so far, and am on track to pound it out again tonight. The whole set is only about 25 minutes, the pace is quick enough that I don’t get bored, and just about the time I’m ready to die from those stinkin’ squats, Jillian Mistress of Sadism is on to the next move. I've never seen her on "The Biggest Loser" and I've heard conflicting opinions on her style, but in this video I really like her. She's encouraging but still tough, and things like, "You want changes? They don't come for free..." are exactly what I need to hear right now.

So, between the Holy Spirit and Jillian Michaels, I finally feel like I’m on my way. And that may just be the strangest sentence I’ve ever written.

Neat. :)