Editor's note: Every thing in this post actually happened this morning. NOTHING has been embellished. Even I couldn't make this stuff up.
5:30 a.m. – Alarm begins blaring across the room. Fall out of bed (literally: roll over too close to the edge, slide out of bed and land on backside) and stumble over to turn off alarm. Head back to bed “for just a few minutes” because it’s cold and dark out here. Vaguely remember setting alarm for this unholy hour so you could get in kickboxing workout this morning, as brother’s birthday party is tonight.
7:26 a.m. – roll over and look at clock. Realize you must leave by 8 a.m. to get to work on time, and your unshowered state cannot continue. Run to bathroom.
7:46 a.m. – Showered. Teeth brushed. Now moisturizing all parts of face and neck that you are terrified will begin sagging soon, making you look like a shar-pei dog without the cuteness factor. Carefully pat eye cream around eyes to take away puffiness.
7:48 a.m. – Realize that application of eye cream has irritated left contact lens, and now feels like a railroad tie is lodged between contact lens and eyeball. Begin squinting and blinking furiously. Getting worse. Hop around bathroom, chanting "Ow ow ow!" Finally remove, rinse, and reinsert contact and realize all this has completely counteracted application of eye cream. Left eye now bloodshot, giving you the appearance of having been on an all-night Johnny Walker bender. Very professional.
8:03 a.m. – Remove new tights from package, realize they have a snag. Thanks, Target. Gamble that snag will be hidden under knee-high boots. Gamble pays off. Spend four minutes coaxing faux-leather knee-high boots to zip over your calves, which are roughly the size of Christmas hams. Are successful, but now rather sweaty. Sacrifices must be made for fashion.
8:16 a.m. – Climb into car, snagging hem of long skirt on heel of faux-leather boots. Manage not to slam head against steering wheel while removing boot heel from hem. Fortunate, as head wounds would enhance Johnny Walker bender appearance.
8:28 a.m. – Hear the song “Jesse’s Girl” on radio, making you think of that jerk you dated five years ago named Jesse, who made you really like him then decided he’d rather date the woman who set you up with him. Try not to cry. Remember he's now married to that woman. Try harder not to cry. Long desperately for chocolate. Or Swedish Fish. Possibly both.
8:42 a.m. – Arrive at work. Find small container of Swedish Fish in desk. Remember stash of chocolate VitaTops in work freezer (100 calories and SO GOOD). Salvation. Remember brother's birthday party is tonight, complete with fantastic freaky family and adorable niece.
Gonna be an all right day.
No comments:
Post a Comment