Locus of control

The title comes from a fancy-pants theory in social psychology, which basically boils down to whether people believe their happiness in life comes as a result of their own actions or results from forces outside their control. People with high internal locus of control think they "make their own luck" while people with external locus of control are turning to fate or chance for explanations. I first came across this term in college, thanks to friends studying education, and the phrase has come back to me time and again in the past decade as I look at how people respond to what life hands them. It came back to me yesterday as I thought over the events of the past few weeks.

Those of you who have rolled with me for a while :) know that I ceded control of my life and my future to Jesus a long time ago. And for the most part, it's been pretty fantastic. However, since I got back from my London trip things have been a little rocky. Jesus did some amazing things for my mind and my way of thinking about myself earlier this summer, but the revolutionized-self-image high has begun to fade a bit and I've found myself slipping back into old patterns. You know, the existing-on-a-diet-where-the-primary-components-are-coffee-and-Swedish-Fish, sleeping-in-until-the-last-possible-moment-before-work, letting-the-dust-gather-on-the-Jillian-Michaels-DVD-cases kind of patterns? (Even typing the line about coffee and Swedish Fish makes my stomach turn, and yet I've done it more times than I care to count in the last four weeks...)

I felt so much better about life and myself when I was exercising semi-regularly and eating... well, not "better" per se, but at least eating less junk. But I've allowed other things and other excuses to take me away from that and I've slid back into the old patterns of behavior and thinking. And I feel like crap. No more. NO MORE, I say. Jesus has pruned away those old patterns, and once He's cut them off they CANNOT grow back. With His help, I won't let them.

This last month I've been forced to think quite a bit about the things I can and cannot control in my life. Here's what I've settled on:

- I cannot control cancer, flood waters, and bad drivers on I-235.

- I cannot control the cute guy I met through ChristianMingle.com, who seemed totally in to e-mailing me for two weeks and has since been totally silent in the last two weeks. :::begin rant::: Through on-line dating I have met two different single men, a decade apart, who were pastors. They are the two who have treated me the worst in my decade of singleton life. You'd think it would be the other way around, wouldn't you? Is this something they're teaching in seminary now - how to dump Internet girls by disappearing from their In Boxes? Just write to me and tell me you're not interested anymore, Reverend Lamebrain... :::end rant:::

- I cannot control the crazy ways my body reacts to heat, hormones, and high stress levels - but I can control how I adapt to them.

- I cannot control the plan God has ordered for my life.

- I can control the way I seek after God's plan for my life, and the level of faith I place in His plan.

- I can control the foods I put into my body, and the thoughts I allow to occupy my mind.

- I can control the way I react to the absence of e-mail from Cute ChristianMingle.com Guy (calling him Reverend Lamebrain probably isn't the best choice - but it made me laugh. And right now that seems like the best option.).

- I can control my lying down and my rising up, and the activities I choose to do in between.

- I can control my Saturday mornings, and spending them going back to Level 1 of Mistress Jillian's "30 Day Shred" as I did this morning. (Squats. Ow. Double ow.)

- I can control my Saturday morning on November 7, when I've signed up to run my first 5K race at the Iowa State Fairgrounds. (Yikes. Double yikes.)

- I can choose, today and every day, how I think about myself and my body, and choose to thank God that He has made me just exactly the way I am - beautiful and strong, getting stronger every day, and coming each day closer and closer to the amazing woman He has designed me to be for His glory.

I choose life.

I choose glory.

I choose hope.

I choose to step away from my BlackBerry, to stop wondering why it isn't buzzing with a new e-mail, and go run.

Run far (well, at least run one kilometer to start).

Run fast.

Run hard.

Run after Jesus.

And find myself along the way.

Now you...

CHOOSE.